*THIS POST CONTAINS GRAPHIC LANGUAGE*
WHILE AT WORK YESTERDAY MY PARTNER TURNS TO ME AND ASKS "WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ALL THESE GUYS CLAIMING PTSD?"
MY RESPONSE WAS WHO AM I TO JUDGE THEM AND WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN THROUGH, HELL I THINK WE ALL SUFFER FROM SOME FORM OF PTSD. DON'T BELIEVE ME, ALLOW ME TO SHARE THIS EXAMPLE WITH YOU AND THEN YOU TELL ME IF THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU...
ABOUT A YEAR AGO MY WIFE HAD DRAGGED ME OUT TO A GET TOGETHER WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS. SINCE MOST OF MY FRIENDS ARE IN THE FD, THESE WOULD BE MORE LIKE ACQUAINTANCES THEN ANYTHING ELSE.
SO THERE I AM HOLDING MY BEER MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT WHEN I GO TO THESE TYPE OF THINGS. AND THEN I CAN SEE IT COMING...
HERE COMES THE GUY THAT I HAVE MAYBE MET ONE TIME IN PASSING, MAYBE I HAVE EVEN SHAKEN HIS HAND. I SURE IN THE HELL DO NOT REMEMBER HIS NAME. I DO KNOW HE LIKES TO WALK AROUND AND REMIND EVERYONE OF HOW MUCH MONEY HE MAKES AS HE SITS IN HIS OFFICE...
HE FINALLY MAKES HIS WAY TO ME AND SAYS, YOUR THE FIREMAN RIGHT? I SAY YEP THAT'S ME...HE SAYS WOW THAT MUST BE NICE, YOU GUYS DRINK COFFEE AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES ALL DAY HUH? AS I NOW TAKE A LARGE SWIG OF BEER TO HELP BRING MY PULSE RATE DOWN, THIS FUCK IS GOING TO GO THERE...
I EXPLAIN THAT IT IS NOT EXACTLY THAT WAY, BUT THAT THERE IS SOME DOWN TIME WHILE ON DUTY. THIS ARROGANT PRICK SIPS HIS HIGH CLASS WHATEVER THE FUCK DRINK IT IS AND SAYS, I HEAR YOU FIREFIGHTERS ARE NEVER REALLY AT WORK WITH ALL THE TIME OFF YOU GET.
OK NOW THE BEER I HAD WAS GONE, BUT LUCKILY I WAS SITUATED CLOSE TO MY COOLER. I GRABBED ANOTHER BEER AND IN VAIN TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT WE ACTUALLY PUT IN MORE HOURS PER WEEK THAN MOST. THIS DIPSHIT JUST STOOD THERE AND STARED AND SAID "SURE". I HAD THAT FEELING THAT THE NEXT LINE OF QUESTIONS FROM THIS FUCKING TARD WHERE GONNA BE THE ONES I HATE THE MOST!
HAVE YOU MADE A BIG FIRE? WHAT IS THE WORST THING YOU HAVE EVER SEEN? THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS I HATE THE MOST BECAUSE THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS THE PEOPLE ASKING DON'T REALLY WANT TO KNOW. I TELL HIM MAN YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY EYES OF SEEN. WITH HIS EVER SO SURE RESPONSE OF "COME ON MAN I CAN HANDLE IT I HAVE SEEN CHICAGO FIRE"...NO YOU CANT YOU PIECE OF SHIT AND THAT SHIT YOU SEE ON TV IS NOTHING IN COMPARISON TO LIVING IT FIRST HAND. BUT YOU KNOW I AM GOING TO OBLIGE THIS DOUCHE BAG BECAUSE I HAVE NOW HIT MY BOILING POINT...
SURE I HAVE MADE FIRES. EVERY FIRE I HAVE MADE HAS DESTROYED SOMETHING. EVEN THE SMALLEST OF FIRES CAN CREATE LARGE AMOUNTS OF DAMAGE. WHEN SOMEONES PROPERTY AND BELONGINGS ARE LOST FOREVER BECAUSE OF A FIRE, THE SIZE OF IT DOESN'T MATTER YOU ASS...
HAVE I BEEN IN HOT FIRES, SURE. I HAVE BEEN IN FIRES SO HOT PARTS OF MY GEAR MELTS, SO HOT THAT THE AIR FROM MY SCBA SEEMS LIKE STEAM COMING OUT. I HAVE BEEN IN FIRES WHERE MY CREW HAS RUN OUT OF WATER, STANDING BY AS A GAS LINE FED FIRE GROWS IN SIZE WAITING FOR WATER. I HAVE BEEN TO FIRES WHERE THE FLOOR ABOVE HAS COME CRASHING DOWN AND A PORCELAIN TUB NEARLY CRUSHED ME. I HAVE BEEN IN FIRES WHERE PEOPLE ARE PULLED FROM A BURNING STRUCTURE, THERE SCREAMS FROM THEIR BURNS ARE DEAFENING AND NEVER FORGETTING. I HAVE BEEN IN FIRES WHERE PEOPLE DID NOT MAKE IT. WHERE FAMILIES GO CRAZY BECAUSE THEY JUST LOST THEIR LOVED ONE AND THEY DON'T THINK YOU ARE DOING ENOUGH...
THE WORST THINGS I HAVE SEEN, REALLY? YOU SHOULD BE ASKING ME WHAT ARE THE WORST THINGS I SEE. BECAUSE THESE ARE THINGS THAT STAY STUCK IN YOUR HEAD. WHEN YOU DRIVE AROUND TOWN YOU FIND YOURSELF SAYING OH YEA REMEMBER THAT CRASH THERE, REMEMBER ROLL OVER THERE, ETC. THESE ARE NOT THINGS WE CAN JUST FORGET AT THE END OF SHIFTS...
I HAVE PICKED UP PIECES OF A BODY OFF THE HIGHWAY. WHEN I SAY PIECES I MEAN LARGE AND SMALL. PARTS OF THE BODY LAID ON THE EAST BOUND SIDE AND PARTS ON THE WEST BOUND SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY. IT WAS SO BAD THAT I COULD HAVE TAKEN A A&P TEST RIGHT THERE IN THE ROAD. I HAD TO ROLL OVER WHAT WAS LEFT OF THE UPPER BODY, REMOVE THE HELMET AND SEE THOSE EYES. THOSE EYES YOU NEVER FORGET, THEY ARE NOT LIKE EYES FROM SOMEONE THAT PASSES NATURALLY OVERNIGHT. OH NO THOSE ARE TRAGIC AND SCARED EYES, EYES FULL OF OH SHIT I FUCKED UP AND I AM NOT READY TO GO! THOSE EYES I CAN STILL SEE RIGHT NOW...
HOW ABOUT THE TIME A VEHICLE JUMPED OFF THE ROAD TO DRIVE RIGHT THROUGH A BRICK APARTMENT. AS I MAKE ENTRY INTO THIS VEHICLE THAT LOOKS LIKE IT HAS NOW BEEN COMPACTED, I FIND 2 PASSENGERS. ONE THAT IS MISSING PART OF SKULL, YET STILL TALKING TO ME AS IF NOTHING IS WRONG AND ANOTHER THAT IS LIFELESS AND MUTILATED. THE ONE WITH THE SKULL INJURY KEEPS ASKING ABOUT HIS COMPANION AND IF SHE IS ALRIGHT. WE SAY WE ARE DOING ALL WE CAN AND THAT WE NEED TO HELP HIM AS WELL. DEEP DOWN MOST KNOW THIS IS BULLSHIT BECAUSE HIS COMPANION IS DEAD NOT MUCH WE CAN DO WHEN THERE ARE OBVIOUS SIGNS OF DEATH. THE SIGHT OF SOMEONE SITTING THERE TALKING TO MISSING HALF THEIR HEAD IS SOMETHING YOU DO NOT LET GO, IT GET BURNS INTO YOUR EYE LIDS TO BE SEEN WHENEVER YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES...
HOW ABOUT THE GUN SHOT WOUND TO HEAD THAT REMOVES MOST OF THE PERSONS JAW BUT DOES NOT KILL THEM. HOW ABOUT THE LIFELESS INFANT LAYING IN THE BED AFTER BEING SMOTHERED BY ITS PARENTS. HOW ABOUT THE WOUND THAT IS SO INFECTED WHEN YOU GO TO CHECK IT YOU FIND MAGGOTS INSIDE THE WOUND AS WELL AS UNDER THE SKIN, AND THESE WERE NOT THE MEDICAL KIND. HOW ABOUT THE DELIVERING OF A LIFELESS BABY IN TOILET BECAUSE THE PERSON DID KNOW THEY WERE PREGNANT....THESE THINGS ARE INSIDE OUR HEADS SHARING SPACE AND BUMPING AROUND WITH EVERY OTHER MEMORY WE HAVE, AND THERE IS NO WAY TO REMOVE THEM...
SO YEA WE DON'T JUST SIT AROUND AND DRINK COFFEE AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES YOU ASSHOLE, WE PREPARE OURSELVES FOR THE THINGS THAT WE KNOW WE ARE GOING TO FACE AND SEE. THINGS THAT WILL KEEP US UP FOR NIGHTS AT A TIME...THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS THAT WE PUT IN MORE HOURS PER WEEK THAT MOST...AND YOU GOT YOUR ANSWER TO YOUR STUPID FUCKING QUESTION AS TO IF I HAVE BEEN TO ANY BIG FIRES AND WHAT IS THE WORST I HAVE SEEN...
WHAT WE DO AND WHAT WE SEE, NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH. BUT WE DO BECAUSE WE CHOOSE TO, BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS TO RUN TO THE DANGER WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS RUNNING AWAY, SOMEONE HAS TO GO IN AND HELP THE SICK AND WOUNDED WHILE OTHERS HIDE IN THE SHADOWS. WE DO THIS KNOWING THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES. WE KNOW THERE WILL BE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, WE KNOW THAT THE DIVORCE RATE IN OUR PROFESSION IS HIGHER THAN ANY OTHER, WE KNOW THAT WE ARE WAY MORE LIKELY TO COME DOWN WITH SOME FORM OF CANCER, WE KNOW THAT WE MAY NOT RETURN HOME TO OUR FAMILIES, BUT THE LAST THING I NEED IS SOME SUIT WEARING POMPOUS FUCK TELLING ME I DON'T WORK ENOUGH AND WHEN I DO WORK ALL I DO IS PLAY VIDEO GAMES. I OFFERED HIM THIS, PLEASE COME SIGN A WAIVER AND DO A RIDE ALONG WITH ME ON A MEDIC UNIT SO THAT YOU CAN SEE FIRST HAND WHAT WE DO (EMS WISE) AND WHAT WE SEE....
What we see our hearts will never forgive, what we do no one will ever understand, burned into our eyes are the evils of this society, though we ask for forgiveness we understand that we must carry the consequences of their sins, this is the CALLING we have chosen!
I STARTED THIS POST TALKING ABOUT PTSD AND THIS IS WHERE I WILL TIE IT ALL TOGETHER. AFTER THAT INCIDENT AND THE WAY I REACTED AND THE ANGER AND RAGE I HAD INSIDE I ASKED MYSELF, ARE YOU DEALING WITH EVERYTHING OK?
MOST OF US WILL SAY YEA SURE I AM FINE NO BIG DEAL. I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I HAVE HAD TO SIT AND TALK TO PEOPLE ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS DURING MY CAREER. IT HELPS...
BUT MY POINT IS THIS...*PTSD is a subject we don't like to talk about. Suicide among Fire/Police/EMS is a much bigger problem than anyone cares to mention. It is truly the industry's dirty little secret. They are both very real issues and they are right in our face.
SO MAYBE WE ALL ARE SUFFERING FROM A LITTLE PTSD AND JUST MAYBE SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT IN MY HEAD....
SURE I HAVE MADE FIRES. EVERY FIRE I HAVE MADE HAS DESTROYED SOMETHING. EVEN THE SMALLEST OF FIRES CAN CREATE LARGE AMOUNTS OF DAMAGE. WHEN SOMEONES PROPERTY AND BELONGINGS ARE LOST FOREVER BECAUSE OF A FIRE, THE SIZE OF IT DOESN'T MATTER YOU ASS...
HAVE I BEEN IN HOT FIRES, SURE. I HAVE BEEN IN FIRES SO HOT PARTS OF MY GEAR MELTS, SO HOT THAT THE AIR FROM MY SCBA SEEMS LIKE STEAM COMING OUT. I HAVE BEEN IN FIRES WHERE MY CREW HAS RUN OUT OF WATER, STANDING BY AS A GAS LINE FED FIRE GROWS IN SIZE WAITING FOR WATER. I HAVE BEEN TO FIRES WHERE THE FLOOR ABOVE HAS COME CRASHING DOWN AND A PORCELAIN TUB NEARLY CRUSHED ME. I HAVE BEEN IN FIRES WHERE PEOPLE ARE PULLED FROM A BURNING STRUCTURE, THERE SCREAMS FROM THEIR BURNS ARE DEAFENING AND NEVER FORGETTING. I HAVE BEEN IN FIRES WHERE PEOPLE DID NOT MAKE IT. WHERE FAMILIES GO CRAZY BECAUSE THEY JUST LOST THEIR LOVED ONE AND THEY DON'T THINK YOU ARE DOING ENOUGH...
THE WORST THINGS I HAVE SEEN, REALLY? YOU SHOULD BE ASKING ME WHAT ARE THE WORST THINGS I SEE. BECAUSE THESE ARE THINGS THAT STAY STUCK IN YOUR HEAD. WHEN YOU DRIVE AROUND TOWN YOU FIND YOURSELF SAYING OH YEA REMEMBER THAT CRASH THERE, REMEMBER ROLL OVER THERE, ETC. THESE ARE NOT THINGS WE CAN JUST FORGET AT THE END OF SHIFTS...
I HAVE PICKED UP PIECES OF A BODY OFF THE HIGHWAY. WHEN I SAY PIECES I MEAN LARGE AND SMALL. PARTS OF THE BODY LAID ON THE EAST BOUND SIDE AND PARTS ON THE WEST BOUND SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY. IT WAS SO BAD THAT I COULD HAVE TAKEN A A&P TEST RIGHT THERE IN THE ROAD. I HAD TO ROLL OVER WHAT WAS LEFT OF THE UPPER BODY, REMOVE THE HELMET AND SEE THOSE EYES. THOSE EYES YOU NEVER FORGET, THEY ARE NOT LIKE EYES FROM SOMEONE THAT PASSES NATURALLY OVERNIGHT. OH NO THOSE ARE TRAGIC AND SCARED EYES, EYES FULL OF OH SHIT I FUCKED UP AND I AM NOT READY TO GO! THOSE EYES I CAN STILL SEE RIGHT NOW...
HOW ABOUT THE TIME A VEHICLE JUMPED OFF THE ROAD TO DRIVE RIGHT THROUGH A BRICK APARTMENT. AS I MAKE ENTRY INTO THIS VEHICLE THAT LOOKS LIKE IT HAS NOW BEEN COMPACTED, I FIND 2 PASSENGERS. ONE THAT IS MISSING PART OF SKULL, YET STILL TALKING TO ME AS IF NOTHING IS WRONG AND ANOTHER THAT IS LIFELESS AND MUTILATED. THE ONE WITH THE SKULL INJURY KEEPS ASKING ABOUT HIS COMPANION AND IF SHE IS ALRIGHT. WE SAY WE ARE DOING ALL WE CAN AND THAT WE NEED TO HELP HIM AS WELL. DEEP DOWN MOST KNOW THIS IS BULLSHIT BECAUSE HIS COMPANION IS DEAD NOT MUCH WE CAN DO WHEN THERE ARE OBVIOUS SIGNS OF DEATH. THE SIGHT OF SOMEONE SITTING THERE TALKING TO MISSING HALF THEIR HEAD IS SOMETHING YOU DO NOT LET GO, IT GET BURNS INTO YOUR EYE LIDS TO BE SEEN WHENEVER YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES...
HOW ABOUT THE GUN SHOT WOUND TO HEAD THAT REMOVES MOST OF THE PERSONS JAW BUT DOES NOT KILL THEM. HOW ABOUT THE LIFELESS INFANT LAYING IN THE BED AFTER BEING SMOTHERED BY ITS PARENTS. HOW ABOUT THE WOUND THAT IS SO INFECTED WHEN YOU GO TO CHECK IT YOU FIND MAGGOTS INSIDE THE WOUND AS WELL AS UNDER THE SKIN, AND THESE WERE NOT THE MEDICAL KIND. HOW ABOUT THE DELIVERING OF A LIFELESS BABY IN TOILET BECAUSE THE PERSON DID KNOW THEY WERE PREGNANT....THESE THINGS ARE INSIDE OUR HEADS SHARING SPACE AND BUMPING AROUND WITH EVERY OTHER MEMORY WE HAVE, AND THERE IS NO WAY TO REMOVE THEM...
SO YEA WE DON'T JUST SIT AROUND AND DRINK COFFEE AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES YOU ASSHOLE, WE PREPARE OURSELVES FOR THE THINGS THAT WE KNOW WE ARE GOING TO FACE AND SEE. THINGS THAT WILL KEEP US UP FOR NIGHTS AT A TIME...THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS THAT WE PUT IN MORE HOURS PER WEEK THAT MOST...AND YOU GOT YOUR ANSWER TO YOUR STUPID FUCKING QUESTION AS TO IF I HAVE BEEN TO ANY BIG FIRES AND WHAT IS THE WORST I HAVE SEEN...
WHAT WE DO AND WHAT WE SEE, NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO GO THROUGH. BUT WE DO BECAUSE WE CHOOSE TO, BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS TO RUN TO THE DANGER WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS RUNNING AWAY, SOMEONE HAS TO GO IN AND HELP THE SICK AND WOUNDED WHILE OTHERS HIDE IN THE SHADOWS. WE DO THIS KNOWING THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES. WE KNOW THERE WILL BE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, WE KNOW THAT THE DIVORCE RATE IN OUR PROFESSION IS HIGHER THAN ANY OTHER, WE KNOW THAT WE ARE WAY MORE LIKELY TO COME DOWN WITH SOME FORM OF CANCER, WE KNOW THAT WE MAY NOT RETURN HOME TO OUR FAMILIES, BUT THE LAST THING I NEED IS SOME SUIT WEARING POMPOUS FUCK TELLING ME I DON'T WORK ENOUGH AND WHEN I DO WORK ALL I DO IS PLAY VIDEO GAMES. I OFFERED HIM THIS, PLEASE COME SIGN A WAIVER AND DO A RIDE ALONG WITH ME ON A MEDIC UNIT SO THAT YOU CAN SEE FIRST HAND WHAT WE DO (EMS WISE) AND WHAT WE SEE....
What we see our hearts will never forgive, what we do no one will ever understand, burned into our eyes are the evils of this society, though we ask for forgiveness we understand that we must carry the consequences of their sins, this is the CALLING we have chosen!
I STARTED THIS POST TALKING ABOUT PTSD AND THIS IS WHERE I WILL TIE IT ALL TOGETHER. AFTER THAT INCIDENT AND THE WAY I REACTED AND THE ANGER AND RAGE I HAD INSIDE I ASKED MYSELF, ARE YOU DEALING WITH EVERYTHING OK?
MOST OF US WILL SAY YEA SURE I AM FINE NO BIG DEAL. I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I HAVE HAD TO SIT AND TALK TO PEOPLE ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS DURING MY CAREER. IT HELPS...
BUT MY POINT IS THIS...*PTSD is a subject we don't like to talk about. Suicide among Fire/Police/EMS is a much bigger problem than anyone cares to mention. It is truly the industry's dirty little secret. They are both very real issues and they are right in our face.
SO MAYBE WE ALL ARE SUFFERING FROM A LITTLE PTSD AND JUST MAYBE SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT IN MY HEAD....
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